Who am I?

Contemplating my existence, the essence of my personal identity, I came to the conclusion that I am undefined, a mystery to myself and others. To complete myself as a whole person to be like others, a copy, a number, along with the crowd is not an option. I have always been different, forever changing, and always will be. This is MY life, and I'm going to make the most of it!

The winds of change have been blowing hard in my direction the past few months. As a result, I gave up a few things: my job, my husband to be, a home of my own, and, moving to a smaller place, a number of possessions had to go, as well as my primary hobbies ... amongst other trivial things. I have started my life on a clean slate in May, and while I was exploring my options for the future I've gained a few new friends and interests, and LOTS of insight! (more about "The Journey" in next post)

The clean-up process had some repercussions - the process damaged close relations with some of my friends and family members. So be it. What has been an integral part of my life is now a memory left behind in the chambers of past thought, most likely never to be spoken of again.

It is said that, the biggest danger in life, is that of losing oneself. I haven’t reached this point yet, but floating on a raft on the wide open ocean comes to mind. The journey took me through the ebb and flows of life with no external reference point to position myself. And, in a way, I like it!

Personally, the results of the changes I’ve made in the past few months are refreshing new to me: I gave up on my dreams, and, walking up and down many dead-end alley ways, I have lost the will to move forward. And, strangely enough, I feel content.

I have finally come to a moment of silence contemplating my existence, my personal identity that exists irrespective of external relations, whether material or non-material, that define me as a human being.

While exploring the depths of my vital soul in the company of solitude, I have found treasures of immense value to contribute to a meaningful and purposeful life. These treasures of insight I share with others, but the deadly silence still lingers where it matters most - me-myself-I - but no alarm is raised within my inner being, my vital soul. Absolutely no concern is raised to the lack of substance of my existence as a "nobody". Why? How can someone be content having limited social and external references?

The answer to WHY the ever changing behaviour pattern depicting my life story eludes my thoughts. Why does freeing myself from the continuity as reference point of my existence give me some sort of pleasure?

Searching for meaning is still on my agenda for the long term, but for now, I trust that the answer to the significance of change as a fundamental element of my existence will emerge soon to enable me to find a new perspective of life.